I blame Kevin Costner. He made it seem cool to steal from people when he played Robin Hood in the Prince of Thieves movie. In that time period, if you were wealthy it was because you were born into wealth. Unfortunately that same mindset has made it’s way into modern times. While financial success does hinge on opportunity and some people are afforded more opportunities than others, the beautiful thing about this country is that everyone has the ability to raise their current status. Despite this fact, some people believe that everyone who is more successful than them only got there through the oppression of others. Rich people are assholes and taking their money is a good thing (thanks Kevin!). The method of theft has gotten a little more complex over the years and now instead of using bows, arrows, and swords people can just use their votes. While I understand the need for taxes, it’s gotten a little crazy since I opened my own business. Here are the taxes I currently pay:
- City Property Tax
- County Property Tax
- City Personal Property Tax
- County Personal Property Tax
- Payroll Tax
- Sales Tax (when purchasing)
- Sales and Use Tax (when selling)
- Self Employment Tax
- Income Tax
- Capital Gains Tax
If just my property taxes were cut in half, I could give my entire front desk staff a 35% increase in their hourly pay. But oh well, such is the cost of doing business. However, that is not what this blog is about. This is about the ways in which you can steal from me and other small businesses like me right now! You don’t even have to wait till election season.
Everything Below Has Actually Happened….This Week
Let Your Friends In For Free
While I’m sure you understand that businesses have expenses, businesses also need to understand that you have expenses too. Businesses can’t really expect you to pay for their product and services can they? Of course not. So when a business has some stupid policy like a guest fee, you should just ignore it. I mean, I know they said it was on the honor system and all and they seem pretty good about letting you bring in friends to check out the gym, but none the less, $10 can buy you a tall boy and a bag of chips so why waste it on something else. This guy below has the right idea.
Undercut Their Prices
The next time you go to a steak house, take your grill, set it up in the lobby and offer to cook steak for half the price the restaurant is charging to the people who are walking in. Think about it, you’ll still make a profit and you won’t be burdened with all the other expenses or hassles of running your own business. In fact, take cash or paypal payments from your “family and friends” and you won’t even have to worry about paying taxes like those suckers who own the business. If that seems like too much of a hassle, just come to NBS and start offering your services to people at a cheaper rate. You’ve got a target market at your finger tips. Money in the bank!
Steal Their Intellectual Property
The only potential road block to cooking your own steaks or doing training, nutrition, or programming for someone on the side at NBS is that people may or may not think you’re good at what you do. So, take the time, spend the money and work with one or more of their trainers. Get a few of their workout routines or nutrition templates and then just sell that to people! It would be foolish to go through all the work they did to create it when you can just steal it and sell it yourself. And again…no taxes!
Don’t Pay Your Invoices
Look if a business is stupid enough to sell you their services without running a credit report on you, then they don’t deserve to be paid in full. So, if you actually go into that steak house, be sure to enjoy a nice steak and some wine but not the whole thing. Then bounce before the waiter or waitress has time to give you the bill. If they catch you in the parking lot, just tell them that you didn’t even finish the steak or wine and that being asked to still have to pay for it is bullshit. Another good way is to go to NBS and sign up for a membership but then just stop paying. Your keyfob will get shut off but if you signed up for the year contract and only paid your bill for 4 months who cares? You saved $60! Granted they’re going to spend a lot of time and energy trying to contact you about your failure to pay (which you should definitely ignore) and eventually they’ll send you to collections (when they do this, just call and cuss them out) but let’s be honest, your credit sucks already so what’s a little more bad credit gonna do. The best part? The owner gets an email for every failed credit card payment each morning. That rich asshole and his staff have to sift through every one of them to contact you and try to get you to pay, hahahaha suckers!
Remember, from a moral standpoint, stealing is very circumstantial. And who hasn’t pretended to be the Kevin Costner version of Robin Hood? I know I have