Donald Trump is President, Amazon is delivering groceries to your house using drones, and Drake is the top musician in the world. What does all this point to? Zombies. Yep, for sure the zombie apocalypse is on the horizon and if you’re not prepared for it, you’re not going to make it. Luckily for you, I’ve come up with five physical tests to determine whether or not you’ll be part of the second resurgence of human kind or dining on human flesh before taking a machete to the dome.
Small caveat: these tests are built on the ability to escape the common “walking dead” zombie. If we happen to come upon World War Z zombies, you’re screwed. May God have mercy on your soul.
12 Mile Ruck
Guess what? Everyone’s dead. That means there isn’t anybody to pump the oil from the ground or convert it into gas or transport it from the refinery to the gas station. Forget about driving around, you’ve got to be able to carry everything you own on your back and you’ve got to be able to do so faster than the zombies can. You better start rucking my friend. Load up a back pack with about 50 pounds and start walking with the goal of knocking out 12 miles in three hours. If that’s too much, start with an easy 3 miles in an hour and build your way up.
2x Bodyweight Deadlift
When you’re not trying to get away from zombies, you’re going to need to be able to search for food, build shelter, and fight off other crazy humans. To do so you’re gonna need some strength. One of the best tests for overall strength is the deadlift and the ability to deadlift 2x bodyweight is going to be a bare minimum of strength needed to survive the apocalypse. Of course, a little extra strength will help as well but you’ll need to keep your strength to bodyweight ratio pretty high. Start training deadlifts without the donuts to go along.
Sprint Triathlon
For anyone who is has not been educated, the first rule of Zombieland is cardio. Zombies don’t get tired and neither can you. Also, you’ll need to be able to handle a wide variety of cardio demands and skills. This is why you’ll need to be able to complete a sprint triathlon. This is about a half mile swim, 15-20 mile bike ride, and a 3-4 mile run. That’s three different ways to get away from zombies and you’re gonna need at least that, trust me. You might also want to consider an off road triathlon because zombies don’t always come after you on pavement.
Rope Climb
Zombies are persistent but they aren’t very tactile; climbing really isn’t their thing (with the whole skin sluffing thing). Sometimes the best way to get away can be to get up high and to get there we’ll need to climb. One thing you will need to keep with you is a rope so the rope climb should be a weapon in your arsenal you feel comfortable with. Be sure to practice your rope climbing in a fatigued state with a little bit of time pressure to get a more realistic training adaptation. Unlike in CrossFit, for zombie training you won’t have to worry too much about getting down. The zombies are more than happy to wait you out.
Anything in extreme weather
Are you a little bitch when it comes to temperature extremes? Well guess what, we can’t all be lucky enough to be in San Diego when the zombie virus starts to spread. You’re gonna have to be able to take on the extreme hot and cold if you’re gonna survive so start getting some training in under both conditions. Of course be smart about it; stay hydrated, get some cool packs for the summer and be sure you’re layered enough during the winter months but get outside. Take a day a week to get out of the comfort of your air conditioning to sweat (or freeze) your face off for an hour or so. Zombies don’t care if it’s hot or cold. Zombies are dead. And they love the taste of softies who can’t handle the weather.
In all seriousness the zombie apocalypse is coming… or maybe it’s here already. We’re getting less and less healthy as a nation everyday, people are spending more time locked onto their cell phones and social media, and we’re less engaged with our fellow humans. Put the phone down, grab a friend, and go train these five physical tests. Under either circumstance, that’s how you keep from becoming a zombie.
